Good boredom

We think of our accomplishments silly once it becomes past. I still remember studying hard for my math papers at college. They were so huge a hurdle then, now seem so small. I've gone a long way past them. I am employed now. On my days looking for this job, i learned the sour taste of disappointment, bankruptcy, even jealousy. 

Our parents always boast about us, but what can they say if your son is a 2012 graduate and still unemployed in 2013. You realize how much you have let them down when they tell you about some douche of a relative who talked all day to them about his daughter's job benefits.

I depended on my parents for months after college. They would send me money and i would spend it like my own earning among my friends who had a job and their own money to spend. My father would send me plenty to spend, but yet i remember the many times i gave him those month end calls asking for more money. I have felt the shame, in draining every bit of your father's and mother's savings to keep going, even after they gave you a quality education and all the comforts you could imagine. 

The humiliating feel of financial defeat when those college friends who had a less extravagant lifestyle than you in campus, now earn and spend more than you could ask your parents for. This was only one emotion of my unemployment life.

 I still don't know if it's right to call it jealousy, the feeling you get when your best friend gets the job instead of you. I felt sad because from then on, he will not be by my side for roaming the world of opportunities. I also felt disappointed, because deep down i knew that i was not good enough. My efforts and hard work was not enough, or i just wasn't lucky. In the end, you end up feeling happy for your friend and sad for yourself.

This job came to me as a surprise. I had applied to the post as a routine and somehow even without a great profile, i was shortlisted for the interviews. I remember having not told any of my friends about this recruitment. I had learned to think selfish from my previous experiences. Now i choose to think selfish or not according to my situations and priorities. It's much simpler to choose now, you live first and then maybe let others live.

They say you will get bored and tired of your IT job soon enough, but i don't know yet. I longed for this job for a long time, dream t of wearing the organization ID card. Maybe i will grow tired of this job and maybe it will bore me, but i hope to enjoy this boredom for a long time, and maybe find time for other hardships.

A lesson

First year of college, i ran into a lot of arguments with my friends in that stage of getting comfortable. They all ended badly, some of them in fights. Those who were nice to me till then started avoiding me, especially those whom i thought were my special friends. having became all of a sudden, the uninvited, i didn't know what to do. Spending more time with my laptop was the only thing left. Few weeks went by, and then one day it happened. One of my friends from the other room approached me and said "why do you live where you are not welcome, come stay in our room. We are like a family there. We never leave behind one of our own". And then again, slowly, my life started to color. It took me a solid year to get close to them, i was reserved for a while and for good reason. But as soon as i was, my god given gift, instincts of sarcasm and arguments were back again. I feared that i might loose my friends again.
One day, sitting in a bar drinking beer on a sunny afternoon, i realized that God gifted me sarcasm instead of good humor  So i decided to shut myself up and spoke so little, so that i could think about what to say and what was said, than doing it. It's true that it takes two sides to continue an argument, so whenever i felt like a bad tone is on approach, i put a lid on mine and continued the argument in my mind. Took me a few months of pain and a hand full of bitter memories to figure it out, but yes i learned. Nobody wants to hear negative shit, Not plainly at least. The world wants to laugh, at someone if possible. If you twist your words of sarcasm with a pinch of subtle humor and speak them at the right moment, they will suck it up without a thought.
In time, i won back all those whom i had lost on the way. The ones that i had left behind, they still remain my good friends. And as for the ones that never let me go, they remain my best.

A curve

This is a point in my life where i cannot look behind. I know in my heart that i have decided to do it, but i fear of regrets. Whatever choices i have made in my life, have always meant something to me. They have always brought me happiness sooner or later. Some decisions brought me success and some others, failure. I still enjoyed the feel of it, because i enjoyed the freedom of deciding. Will this decision bring me happiness or regrets. I have chosen to leave a world of happiness behind, for my own good. I have decided to quit my first job. I am letting my elders decide for me. Even if it makes me leave a world of happiness behind. I think i will find a new one, but will i fall in love with it. Will i have the same intimacy and  depth in the new relationships i find there. I wonder what future this decision will bring me, no i fear. But for once i am sure that never will i doubt my father and his decisions  for his thoughts about me are deep and his love pure. He wants my world to be perfect, more than i know. I am approaching in my life, this curve unknown and i wonder if i will wonder "if i had known". They say good byes are hard to say. I find it easy these days, in fact rather enjoyable. You get to tell all your dear friends that you are moving on. They learn that life is not always how we want it and i get to ditch the irony of life before it got to me. The sweet sadness it brings keeps you going for a while. Then comes your new world joys. To walk hand in hand with me in this curve, are my old pals, my dear ones. They gave me the strength and energy i have now, it's what i need. It's magical how one day from our lives together can give us so much happiness, just like old times.

The Definition

Characters, i call them colors. This world is a mesmerizing colorful painting. Some colors are beautiful, they bring changes into this world or even make us see things differently. Some colors never leave our mind. They wander our thoughts and dreams, make us think. These dreams give us desire, to write, to speak or even give form to an everlasting art. For me they are the most special ones.

How wonderful would it be if you had someone to guide you through your life. Our childhoods were as we lucky ones remember, filled with joy and the spirit of free will. It's told, a danger that you know not, cannot scare you. And in our childhood, we slept under the shade of parenting. But how long can you stay in the shade, what happens when you start to see the colors in life out of the shadow that we lived in till then. There are no longer any guarantees that you will find the right ones, or that  you will be fought fair. Despite all this, children long to grow, have responsibilities and enjoy the freedom of adulthood. When a boy becomes a man, he wins his freedom and tries to break free, but instead his shoulders are burdened with responsibilities and in time, he realizes the freedom of adulthood was a lie forever told. Now we can say, nature keeps our instincts straight.
Seeing someone for the first time, one could never tell if his color within is beautiful, a good color. Everyone is selfish, or they act that way nevertheless. I believe that living beings have a higher priority for their own life and well being, it's only logical. They might argue about it with sacrifices, but we never see a deer save it's calf from a predator risking it's life, what does it do, it runs away. Sure it laments from a safe distance, but does nothing else. Some situations in our life are similar to this, we might be the calf and someone in our life the deer. They simply cannot help us at some point, it's the  rule of nature. Some call it betrayal, some call it selfishness, but whatever it is, we hate them for it.
Some of us find the most beautiful of colors in our life, colors deep and magnificent, capable of sacrifices. Call yourself the luckiest in the world, when you, one day realize it and see in those eyes that always see you the same, the boldness defined, a color revealed.

The ad

After finishing my engineering degree i came home expecting a long vacation. Sadly for me, on campus placements were not written on the timeline. Sitting around the dinner table, my family talks about the whole world, topics change from one to another until they finally reach the future. My future. It's natural for our parents to be anxious about our future. After a few days of difficult conversation, while having dinner one day, i convince my parents not to worry too much about it. Impressed with myself, i take a peek at the TV.

A youngster sits at the breakfast table fully dressed to go out, his dad sitting in the opposite seat having breakfast. The son makes a sound to get his dad's attention and says " err Dad". Without any further notice, the   dad reaches for his wallet and asks his son " how much do you want son ? " and then comes the damaging part. They boy thrusts an envelope into his dad's hand and says "no dad, this is my first salary, it's for you.".

All of a sudden there is silence around the dinner table, every one seemed to be thinking deeply about something and i knew what it was. Just then i realized how an ad that everyone watching knew was staged and  unreal, could ruin your few days hard work and make the dinner with family routine awkward.

Crystal Friendships

What is friendship, is it necessity for each other ? or is it the likeness of thoughts? I have always wondered who among my friends really are true. But some things are best unknown. Would you believe it, if one day you realized that your best friend was never really true. Could you endure it, if a friend you saw as a brother cheated you ? Is it possible that people befriend you out of sympathy, or because it's rude to say i don't want to be your friend ? Some of your friends you might think are not in for necessity, what else could you think for the reason of a true friendship. Could it be attachment, or a choice for popularity ?

My father once told me "Friendships you may find, and you will believe in them madly, but time will make you realize that everything fades in it. Once you loose the necessity for each other, your friendship looses it's magic, everything becomes a drama, and slowly, fades away a friend that you once thought best in the world.".

In my college life, i have learned but a few lessons about life, about the irony of truth. What can you believe in? and who can you trust ? some are born lucky, they have the courage to trust their parents' words blindly. Me, i learned the hard way that it's just your own conscience. You are alone in this race, where sacrifice, emotions and sincerity are set aside  as weaknesses. By the time in life when you realize this, it's already a book of losses and pain.

I've heard that some moments can tear apart the dearest of relationships, the closest of bonds. I never believed it until the sands of time proved otherwise. The irony of truth whispered in my mind, deep and clear. The plunge of happiness that you feel when your best friend finds success, fades away and comes another emotion, one i hate the most,the one i'm yet to recover from.

Etched In My Heart

Is it true, that God created a soul mate for us, even me and you ? And is it true that everyone lives in their body until they fulfill their purpose? What do you do if your soul mate's purpose was fulfilled too early in thy life? What do you do, if the love of your life died. A point in life when everything is blank and you start loving white. Where do you go from there.The frenzy of love, is maddening. Anyone who felt it once, cannot stand the absence of it. I picture myself stand in a deserted graveyard staring at my sweetheart's name carved on a stone. That moment when the loneliness begins to sink in, your mind becomes weak and vulnerable. I see my girl dressed up in white, walking beside me to the depths of thoughts. She tells me not to give up, to live a life of happy memories. But how can i ? The pain of loosing your heart is unbearable, excruciating and unimaginable. Oh i will live, in those cheerful memories of your smile. They bring me silently, a cold chill and the will to slip away.