Good boredom

We think of our accomplishments silly once it becomes past. I still remember studying hard for my math papers at college. They were so huge a hurdle then, now seem so small. I've gone a long way past them. I am employed now. On my days looking for this job, i learned the sour taste of disappointment, bankruptcy, even jealousy. 

Our parents always boast about us, but what can they say if your son is a 2012 graduate and still unemployed in 2013. You realize how much you have let them down when they tell you about some douche of a relative who talked all day to them about his daughter's job benefits.

I depended on my parents for months after college. They would send me money and i would spend it like my own earning among my friends who had a job and their own money to spend. My father would send me plenty to spend, but yet i remember the many times i gave him those month end calls asking for more money. I have felt the shame, in draining every bit of your father's and mother's savings to keep going, even after they gave you a quality education and all the comforts you could imagine. 

The humiliating feel of financial defeat when those college friends who had a less extravagant lifestyle than you in campus, now earn and spend more than you could ask your parents for. This was only one emotion of my unemployment life.

 I still don't know if it's right to call it jealousy, the feeling you get when your best friend gets the job instead of you. I felt sad because from then on, he will not be by my side for roaming the world of opportunities. I also felt disappointed, because deep down i knew that i was not good enough. My efforts and hard work was not enough, or i just wasn't lucky. In the end, you end up feeling happy for your friend and sad for yourself.

This job came to me as a surprise. I had applied to the post as a routine and somehow even without a great profile, i was shortlisted for the interviews. I remember having not told any of my friends about this recruitment. I had learned to think selfish from my previous experiences. Now i choose to think selfish or not according to my situations and priorities. It's much simpler to choose now, you live first and then maybe let others live.

They say you will get bored and tired of your IT job soon enough, but i don't know yet. I longed for this job for a long time, dream t of wearing the organization ID card. Maybe i will grow tired of this job and maybe it will bore me, but i hope to enjoy this boredom for a long time, and maybe find time for other hardships.

A lesson

First year of college, i ran into a lot of arguments with my friends in that stage of getting comfortable. They all ended badly, some of them in fights. Those who were nice to me till then started avoiding me, especially those whom i thought were my special friends. having became all of a sudden, the uninvited, i didn't know what to do. Spending more time with my laptop was the only thing left. Few weeks went by, and then one day it happened. One of my friends from the other room approached me and said "why do you live where you are not welcome, come stay in our room. We are like a family there. We never leave behind one of our own". And then again, slowly, my life started to color. It took me a solid year to get close to them, i was reserved for a while and for good reason. But as soon as i was, my god given gift, instincts of sarcasm and arguments were back again. I feared that i might loose my friends again.
One day, sitting in a bar drinking beer on a sunny afternoon, i realized that God gifted me sarcasm instead of good humor  So i decided to shut myself up and spoke so little, so that i could think about what to say and what was said, than doing it. It's true that it takes two sides to continue an argument, so whenever i felt like a bad tone is on approach, i put a lid on mine and continued the argument in my mind. Took me a few months of pain and a hand full of bitter memories to figure it out, but yes i learned. Nobody wants to hear negative shit, Not plainly at least. The world wants to laugh, at someone if possible. If you twist your words of sarcasm with a pinch of subtle humor and speak them at the right moment, they will suck it up without a thought.
In time, i won back all those whom i had lost on the way. The ones that i had left behind, they still remain my good friends. And as for the ones that never let me go, they remain my best.

A curve

This is a point in my life where i cannot look behind. I know in my heart that i have decided to do it, but i fear of regrets. Whatever choices i have made in my life, have always meant something to me. They have always brought me happiness sooner or later. Some decisions brought me success and some others, failure. I still enjoyed the feel of it, because i enjoyed the freedom of deciding. Will this decision bring me happiness or regrets. I have chosen to leave a world of happiness behind, for my own good. I have decided to quit my first job. I am letting my elders decide for me. Even if it makes me leave a world of happiness behind. I think i will find a new one, but will i fall in love with it. Will i have the same intimacy and  depth in the new relationships i find there. I wonder what future this decision will bring me, no i fear. But for once i am sure that never will i doubt my father and his decisions  for his thoughts about me are deep and his love pure. He wants my world to be perfect, more than i know. I am approaching in my life, this curve unknown and i wonder if i will wonder "if i had known". They say good byes are hard to say. I find it easy these days, in fact rather enjoyable. You get to tell all your dear friends that you are moving on. They learn that life is not always how we want it and i get to ditch the irony of life before it got to me. The sweet sadness it brings keeps you going for a while. Then comes your new world joys. To walk hand in hand with me in this curve, are my old pals, my dear ones. They gave me the strength and energy i have now, it's what i need. It's magical how one day from our lives together can give us so much happiness, just like old times.